Grad School Glories
Now that it is the October, many of the recent graduates have been being in the work force for a while. They are getting to be knowing the drudgery of the day-to-day business world: the meetings, the marketing executives, and the total management of quality. Perhaps you are one of these people, suddenly realizing that the college, with its free food and Copious Co-eds, was not that bad. But what can you be doing? After all, you are having the loans to pay off, and the parents are off celebrating the financial independence somewhere in the Caribbean. Fear not, for there is a Solution! Perhaps the graduate school, it is for you!All the graduate students I, Ramón the Mink of Love, have Known have been Happy and Willing, as well as doing the interesting work. Consider the case of Regina*, who is pursuing the doctorate in the Biochemistry. All the day long she is studying the Chemicals of Love, the Pheromones. “My chief interests are in the ways that chemicals can have an effect on mating behavior. It's like I get to play ‘love doctor’ all day, but it's for real.” Of course the fact that she works with Drosophila melanogaster, or the common fruit fly, doesn't bother her in the least. “Actually, I find that the males of Homo sapiens react in almost the same way as the male flies do. They gather all around me and try to climb up as high as they can. It's really cute. So I just dab a little bit of concentrate from my lab behind each ear before I go out each night. It's done wonders for my love life!”
And then there's Drake, who's working on a masters degree in the Creative Writing. “Usually I wake up at around noon, and then spend the rest of the day in a coffee shop pretending to write some crap poetry about a flower or a cup of tea or something like that. The undergrad ladies just eat that stuff up. They think I'm Shelley or Lord Byron or something!” Of course, he's quick to add, he does have to take the occasional class or two. “But that's really not much of a problem. I like to take women's lit classes, so they think I'm all sensitive. It's amazing how quickly those chicks take off their bras when I give them a well-placed Maya Angelou quote!”
Back in the Sciences, Yvette is studying the Mathematics. She is focusing on the String Theory and the Hyperdimensional Topography. “At first I thought it was kind of boring. I mean, what use is this stuff? But then I realized that studying all these twisting and turning shapes could be great in bed! Even just doing the toroid is great, but you really taste a small piece of heaven when you get yourself into the position of a fourteen-dimensional string. Of course, some of these positions need more than two people, but my boyfriend really hasn't minded so far!” I, Ramón the Mink of Love, am most Eagerly awaiting the publication of her first book, the Kama Mathematica.
And then there's Brick, who is studying the Counseling Psychology. “We tell the undergrads that there's all sorts of 'ethical guidelines' that prevent people from sleeping with their patients, and things like that. Really, that's just so the field doesn't get too crowded. For example, what about the young men and women who come in with horrible self-esteem problems because they haven't been on a date in years? Sometimes the easiest thing to do is to just hook them up with each other. Or when you can't find someone for them, we medical professionals are always happy to take a more active role in the therapeutic process.” He's quick to add though that it's not always easy to get someone cured. “There's all this talking involved, and sometimes you get the sense that it just slows you down. I mean, how often do you really need to talk about what lousy parents you had? Still, when I see the success stories, that makes it all worth it.”
By now I can hear you asking, “This sounds Great, Ramón, but how can I be getting in?” Well, the first step is to be taking the GREs. These are a series of tests like the SATs, that are measuring the ability in the basic English and Mathematics. It may be sounding intimidating, but really it is only there to be weeding out the people who are not so serious about the grad school. So long as you are knowing the math, and knowing the basic words such as “Concupiscence,” “Arrect,” and “Palpitate” you will be fine.
The actual application is fairly easy—mostly they will just be wanting the data from you such as the name and address, the age, and the sexual preference. However they will also be wanting to receive the “personal statement” from you. This is the summary of your philosophy of research, your reasons for wanting to attend the graduate school, and the Past Experiences that will be helping to make you a good student. Go ahead and be telling them about your First Experience, or perhaps that tryst with the Spanish teacher in her office. They are wanting to Get a Feel for the kind of person you are, and why you will be a Good Addition to their department. Let them know of the plans you are having for the Research, and Who you will be Wanting to Study. Another good step is to be perusing the list of professors in the department, making special note of those you are finding particularly Attractive or Interesting. Take it from me, Ramón the Mink of Love, no middle aged academic will be resisting the direct Come On from the young applicant. If you are mentioning more than one professor with whom you would like to Couple, you are almost assured the spot in the entering class!
So remember, if you the dull and loveless office has left you disappointed, the returning to the graduate school just might be the best decision you have ever been making!♥
* Names have been changed.
