Amorous Alcoholic Advice
How many times has this been happening to you? You're in the bar, and you're Primed for Love. You have your target picked out, and you're Ready to be Making the Move. And then...you aren't knowing what to be saying! Well, your favorite Minkly Lover is here to be helping you! Did you know that you can be telling how to be Making the Approach simply by seeing what your Intended is drinking? Follow this Handy List, and you need never have a Handy Night again!
The Beer
The beer drinker, he or she is difficult to be quantifying. After all, beer is the “Everyman's Drink,” and there are beer drinkers of all kinds. Your best bet to be Sharing your Fluids with this individual is to be acting completely average. In fact, if you are announcing your Regularity to the whole bar, you will be much more likely to be finding a Paramour for the evening.
The Lite Beer
The lite beer, it is presenting the challenge. The people who are drinking this show that what they like best, it is thin, watered-down, and tasteless. Your best bet is to be playing the rebel. Find the trucker hat with the Confederate flag and the enormous belt buckle, and wear them prominently. Also, adopt the American Southern or Midwest accent, and punctuate the speech with phrases like “gosh-durned,” “you betcha,” and “yee-haw!”
The White Wine
People who are drinking the white wine are indecisive, never being able to choose what they are really liking. To Win this Lover, you must be taking charge. Be Forceful and Strong. “Hello. You will be coming back to my apartment, where we will be Making Love all the night long.” The use of handcuffs, rope, and chain choke collars show that you are the Dominant person, Strong enough to be making the decisions for the both of you.
The Red Wine
The red wine, it is the drink of the Goth. People who are liking this wine tend to be liking the Dark and Moody Love, with its frequent Lusty Introspections. To be seducing this person, you will need to be dressing all in black, with the flowing cape, the white makeup, black hair dye, and black nail polish—even if you are being the Man. Approach the target, and ask if he or she would like to be hearing the poem you have just been writing.
The Rum
As everyone is knowing, the rum is the Official Drink of the Caribbean. The foolproof way to be seducing the rum drinker is to be speaking like the native of the Caribbean Isles: the Pirate. Try saying this, in the low piratey growl: “Ahoy matey. Be ye drinkin' alone this night? Come ye back to me galleon, an' I'll be showin' ye me Long John Silver! Arrr.” Trust me, this is never failing.
The Whiskey
These are the business people, the movers and the shakers. In order to be Sharing the Love with one of them, you must be well groomed and be wearing the fine clothing. Talk about how good your portfolio's looking, and how much money you are expecting to make. Berate any left wing politician you can be naming. Remember, with the whiskey people, tons of money is never gauche. Be tipping everybody with the twenty, and you'll be Acquiring the Merger of Love this evening.
The Girly Drinks
If your target is drinking the cosmo or the mojito or the appletini, you had better be being up to date on the old Sex and the City reruns. Talk about the feelings. Discuss your best friend's last Lover, and why he or she was never any good. Talk about why no man has ever been truly Satisfying you in bed. Make snarky comments about other women in the room, and any gay man too. And ask repeatedly if these jeans are making you look fat. Your target will be Drawn to you like Sarah Jessica Parker to the Manolo Blahniks.
The Grain Alcohol
If your target is drinking the grain alcohol, he or she is liking everything to be straight and undiluted. Do not be equivocating or dilly-dallying. Just get naked, look him or her in the eyes, and say “Hi. Wanna Make Love?”
The Vodka
The vodka Lover is always into the totalitarian regimes and the military paraphernalia. You're going to need the leather jackboots, the leather spiked collar, the leather whip, and the old Soviet army cap. Order your target from his or her seat, and back into the toilets. Call him or her worm and dog and pig. And be sure to be doing a lot of shouting—vodka people are Loving the shouting.
The Tequila
With the tequila, your target is liking the ethnic things that are packing the punch. The Successful Seducer will be employing these Romantic Props, such as the oversized sombrero and the longstem rose clenched in the teeth. Approach the target with the Flamenco Dance, and smoothly whisper the romantic Latin phrase, such as “Señorita, mi pene es el más macho del mundo.” or “Estes pechos son suaves, como la mantequilla. ¿Quieres tocarlos?” The Love, it will follow!
Happy drinking!♥
