Sinning with St. Patrick
A felicitous St. Patrick's Day to you all! I, Ramón the Mink of Love, am presuming that most of you will be celebrating the Day of St. Patrick in the traditional way: by the getting hideously drunk and the sleeping around. Truly, this is a Lovely holiday!But what are you knowing of the Saint Patrick himself? Today he is the patron saint of Ireland, the green beer, and the marshmallowy breakfast cereals. He traveled around Ireland in the fifth century, using the three-leafed shamrock to be explaining the threefold nature of the Love: the Lust, the Passion, and the Romance. He is also well known for having Charmed all of the Snakes of Ireland to Attention with the Suave Demeanor and the Manly Physique. Even after he was dying, the druids of the island continued to Honor him with their Pagan rites. Every St. Patrick's Day they would put on the green robes, drink the Irish whiskey until they could no longer stand, and then be Deflowering the virgin girls (and each other) in his name.
Today, the celebrations of St. Patrick have changed—we are having the parades. These are typically starting in the mid-morning, and are the excellent way to be starting the day. There you can be Mingling with many of the Hot Men in Uniform, including the police, the fire fighters, and the soldiers. Fortunately the people who are putting on these parades are very accepting of the “Different Loves” that are happening on this day. Out of the respect for St. Patrick, they will even let you be Performing these acts in the public! No one will be looking twice if you are climbing the parade float in order to be Orally Gratifying the policeman or two.
Be sure to be keeping the eye out for anyone not wearing the green. By tradition, you are allowed to be groping any such person!
As the day begins to wane around noon, you'll want to be heading to the local Irish bar to be continuing the celebration. These will be marked with the green, white, and orange Irish flag, the broken windows, and the strong smell of Guinness and whiskey. There the revelry will already have begun. You'll be met by the traditional Irish music of U2 or Sinéad O’Connor, and if you are lucky they will already have started the hurling match at the bar.
The hurling is a game with its roots deep in old Irish customs, and is a little like the lacrosse. Two teams of very drunk men use their sticks to pass a woman into a goal. They can either balance her on the stick and run, or use the stick to be passing her to a teammate. Whoever is running her into the goal (typically one of the toilets) is getting to Spend the Five Minutes Alone with her. In the more advanced games the men are not using the wooden sticks, but only their more Natural Sticks. Unfortunately, this is making the injuries a little more common, but what is the small bruise in the Pursuit of the Love?
Also, you'll want to be bringing as much of the green dye as you can. Often the bars are giving the free Guinness to whomever is the most green. So be sure to be dying the hair, coloring the skin, putting in the green contacts, and wearing the skimpy green bathing suit. For those who are being truly Devoted, you'll want to be drinking the many liters of the green-colored water beforehand. This will help be making the sweat (as well as the more Intimate fluids) green as well. And you have not been seeing the Love until you have seen the Orgy of Emerald that will probably be taking place in the kitchen.
And of course now is the time to be practicing the Irish accent. There is no better way to be getting the woman into the bed than to be convincing her that you are the foreign traveler a long way from home, lost in the strange city. So soften the vowels, harden the consonants, and try to be talking with the more lyrical, musical patterns of speech. And practice the phrases like “C'mere, you're a juicy bitta beor. Wouldya like to go back to the bean-jacks for an Aussie kiss?” Even if you are having no idea what you are saying, you'll certainly be making the Good Impression.
And above all, remember the old Irish blessing. “May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind always be at your back. And may a thousand lusty blondes be Launching themselves at your Crotch.” The Lust of the Irish be with ye!♥
