Kick Those Balls!
With the World Cup being played, it is seeming that everyone has been getting into the football. And why not? It is a most healthy sport for the Lusty young men and women to be playing. It is helping the hand-eye coordination, giving the good cardiovascular workout, and promoting the good teamwork—though of course not so much as the Act of Love. And of course, it is most Thrilling and Titillating to a Lover such as myself to be watching those youths with the Bulging Muscles in their short shorts. So this month, I, Ramón the Mink of Love, thought I would be educating you on the origins of this most Special of Sports.Many ancient cultures, from the Chinese to the Aztecs, were having some kind of ball game. These were often the province of the ancient cults of the Love and the Death. Often they would be playing with the severed head of a Great Enemy Warrior—it was thought that they would be taking his Potency and transferring it to the fields, ensuring the Fertile Harvest. The allusion to Love is clear. The idea was to take the Bloated, Purple Head and Thrust it Deep into the Guarded Cavity of the opponent. They would be doing this all day, back and forth, back and forth, until finally the head is Exploding in the Great Gooey Mess, and the players finally drop, Fulfilled and Exhausted. In so doing they are not only ensuring the good crop of food, but that the Women will be Fecund and Lusty, bearing for the tribe many fine children.
However, the football as we are knowing it today was developed in the 1850s in the English boarding schools. These schools were home to the Best and Brightest of the English upper class. And of course, we are all knowing what is happening when you are taking hundreds of the young peers, newly Awakened to Yearnings they are not yet Understanding, and Forcing them to Eat, Sleep, and Bathe together. The football was originally an attempt to calm their Meaty, Masculine Passions in the way that their elders would deem “socially acceptable.” In other words, it was the excuse to be running around on the field and rolling around with the other boys. In fact, the young students soon starting calling it “sexball,” which was quickly shortened to just “sexer.” “Oi, mate! Ya wanna have a go at sexer?” soon became an Ardent Cry heard from Eton to Shrewsbury. The term lives on in the American name, “soccer.”
The rules of the football are simple. There are eleven people on each team, trying to drive the ball into their opponents’ net. They are allowed to hit the ball with any part of the body, excepting the hands and arms. They can use the feet, the forehead, the tongue, the Beautiful Breasts, the Magnificent Manhood, or even, if you are as blessed as your humble mink, the tail. It is no coincidence that practicing using all the parts of the body is making the Excellent Lovers. Both teams are knocking the ball back and forth until one is scoring by getting the ball past the opposing goalkeeper. Once the goal is made, it is compulsory for the scoring player to be removing the article of clothing. If a player is breaking a rule, the referee may be giving to him or her the yellow card or the red card. The former is a warning, while the latter is requiring the player to leave the game immediately for the Private Discussion with the referee. Strangely, the more Attractive players are receiving the red cards more often.
No discussion of the football would be complete with the discussion of the football hooligans. These are the particularly devoted fans who are following their teams around the world to all of their matches. The life of the football hooligan is a simple one. He exists only to support his team, to get Wildly drunk, and to Give his Love. Unfortunately, there are the many slanderous stories about the hooligans, implying that they are often rowdy and destructive. This is completely untrue: so long as you are buying for them the beers and Sharing the Fire in your Loins, they are more than Friendly. It is true that, on occasion, one who cannot be Finding the Concupiscence for a couple of hours may be smashing the odd window or two. But truly, who among us hasn”t been there?
Today, the football has become the true worldwide phenomenon. It is played in every corner of the globe, from South America to the Middle East to Siberia. In each of these places, it is touching the locals just a little bit, and Teaching them the True Meaning of the Love. It is no coincidence that in many languages, “to score” is meaning to Make Love. But the football is especially worshipped in the hot-blooded Romance countries, where they have not been forgetting the Real Reason behind the game. There, every fan is watching breathlessly, waiting for the Release that comes when the ball is at last kicked into the net. You can always tell the countries in which the football is Truly Loved, because they are keeping their television commentators in the state of Erotic Frustration during the course of the game. It is only at last, when the ball is Shooting into the net, that they are Finishing him and he is Madly screaming, “Goooooooaaaaaaalllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!”
The football has been coming the long way, from primitive Rite of Fertility to modern Game of Passion. It Touches us Deeply, and continues to Raise our spirits and Moisten our aspirations. It is no wonder that it is being the most Beloved Sport in the world. So what are you waiting for? Grab the balls, and go play! There is no telling with whom you might end up Playing! ♥
