The Ramón Doctrine
On the nineteenth day of March, war broke out in the long embattled nation of Iraq. Now, it is obvious to a humble mink such as myself that the politics behind this aggression are complicated. I cannot claim to know who is right and who is wrong in such a struggle. Nevertheless, it is obvious to me that there is much suffering in that country. With the war raging, many innocents will be lacking the basic necessities vital for life: the food, the water, and the Love.
Consider the poor Iraqi people. Many of them have been ripped from their friends and Lovers due to the terror of this war. This would not be so bad, except that while their cities are under siege, they cannot be going to the local bars and street corners to be Giving themselves to the New Lovers. Instead they must be huddling inside ruined buildings, alone, in the dark, waiting for whatever fate has in store. I say now, this must end! When the Americans and British bring in their humanitarian relief, they must as well be bringing in hordes of nubile young men and women to be satisfying the Iraqi civilians. For Life without the Love is not Life, no matter how much food and water and health supplies one is having.
But the Iraqis are not the only ones to be in torment in this present situation. Consider the British and American soldiers. They are trapped in the desert, away from their Loved ones at home. Again, this would not be so bad, except that the military is foolishly prohibiting the Manly Love from occurring among its troops. All these sweaty, sandy men trapped together in their great phallic vehicles can do nothing to each other. Further, they have millions of dollars of technological marvels. If they were desiring, they could engage in the Night Sight Love, the Airborne Love at Mach 6 skimming the streets of Baghdad, or the Amphibious Love in the Persian Gulf. With so much enticement, one would think that the Passion would be breaking out spontaneously among these brave troops. But it is unfortunate that thus far, it has not. It is such a waste of the Raw Energy of Love.
But we are all knowing that the Love, it can never be wholly suppressed. Where there is Death today, there will be Life tomorrow. This war will not be lasting forever. When it ends, we must be making sure that the Reconstruction is one which once again turns Iraq into the Crescent of Fertility. We must go there and spread the Doctrine of Love of I, Ramón the Mink of Love. For just as the American government is hoping to remake the Middle East in its own image, so too can we remake it in ours. We shall go, and we shall teach the Iraqis of Passion. And then, having learned the Desirous Arts, they will in turn teach them to the Kuwaitis and the Iranians and the Saudis and the Syrians and all the other nations. Then, they shall throw down their despotic, restrictive autocracies, and put up glistening, sweaty new Erocracies to rule the land!
And when Saddam is at last uncovered, let us show him the Loving Life that he has been missing. Let us forget the hatred of yesterday, and Revel in the Love of tomorrow! Let us send George W. Bush himself, flowers in hand, to be wooing Saddam Hussein, to be showing him the Delicious Freedoms of the West in person, with Preemptive Love! If we can do this, perhaps we may finally be bringing Blissful Peace to this war torn land. ♥
